Why would I need a doula when I have my partner?
It’s one of the most understandable questions about doula support. If my partner is going to be there, why would I need anyone else? After all, this is the person who knows you, knows when you need reassurance and when you need quiet. Who can read the expression on your face before you’ve said a word. They love you, they know you, and they’re going to be right there beside you. So where does a doula fit into that? The answer is surprisingly simple. A doula isn’t there instead of your partner, she’s there for both of you.
Your partner knows you. Your doula knows birth.
There is something your partner can bring to your birth that no doula ever could, your relationship.
Your partner knows your history, your humour, your fears, the particular way you like to be comforted. Their voice, touch and presence may be some of the most familiar things in the room. A doula brings something different, she knows the landscape of labour. Put those two things together; someone who knows you and someone who knows birth and you have a rather lovely team.
Your partner is having a baby too
Not physically, obviously, but emotionally. Sometimes we expect an enormous amount from birth partners without really acknowledging it. We ask them to remain calm while watching the person they love experience something incredibly intense. We expect them to remember everything from the antenatal classes, understand what the midwife is saying, find the lip balm, refill the water bottle, advocate confidently, remember the breathing techniques and somehow know exactly what to do when labour bears very little resemblance to the version they had imagined. All while becoming a parent themselves, that’s a lot!
A doula gives your partner someone to turn to as well. That could mean suggesting a position or showing them where to apply pressure during a contraction. Sometimes it’s quietly reassuring them that what’s happening is normal. Sometimes it’s simply saying, “Go and eat something. I’m here.” Your partner doesn’t have to carry the entire responsibility of supporting you alone.
A doula can help your partner come closer, not step aside
There’s sometimes a worry that a doula will sweep into the room, take your partner’s place beside you and start directing proceedings, that isn’t good doula support. The aim isn’t to become the most important person in your birth space, often, it’s the opposite. A doula might show your partner how to massage your back and then step away. She might notice that you need reassurance and encourage your partner to come closer. She might be applying counter-pressure to your hips while your partner is the person holding your hands and keeping you focused. She can take care of some of the practical and physical support so your partner has more space to do the thing only they can do.
Two pairs of hands can be very useful
There’s also the wonderfully unromantic reality that labour can be quite practical. Someone needs to refill the water, find the charger, fill the birth pool, get another pillow and locate the thing that is definitely in the birth bag despite nobody being able to find it. Having a doula means your partner can go to the bathroom, eat, rest for a moment or make a phone call without feeling as though they are abandoning their post. For a long labour especially, that matters. Supporting someone well is much easier when you’re allowed to be human too.
When plans change, there’s another calm person in the room
Your plan A for birth may change to plan B or even plan C. You might plan a home birth and decide to transfer to hospital. You might hope to avoid an induction and later find yourself considering one. You might plan not to have an epidural and then decide an epidural is exactly what you want. You might imagine one kind of birth and experience another entirely. A doula can’t guarantee the birth you planned, nobody can. What she can do is remain alongside you while things change. She can help create space for questions and help you understand what your options are. Remind you of things you had wanted to consider and give you and your partner a moment to pause and talk.
A doula is not there to make the decision for you, or to tell you what you should do. She is there to help you stay connected to your own voice.
A Doula gives you continuity.
Depending on where you give birth, the people providing your clinical care may change throughout labour, your doula is different. She isn’t there to provide medical care, and she doesn’t replace your midwife or doctor. Her role is entirely separate. She is someone you already know, someone who knows what matters to you,someone who has talked through your hopes, your worries and your preferences before labour begins. She is someone who remains a familiar face as the hours pass.
So, do you need a doula if you have a supportive partner?
Maybe, maybe not. A doula isn’t a prerequisite for a good birth, and having one isn’t a comment on your partner’s ability to support you, It’s simply a different kind of support. Your medical team looks after the clinical side of birth. Your partner brings love, familiarity and your shared history. Your doula brings continuous emotional, physical and informational support for both of you. Perhaps that’s the distinction that matters; a doula isn’t there because your partner isn’t enough. She’s there so neither of you has to hold everything, and sometimes, that changes the whole feeling of the room.
The Doula Edit